If a doctor gave me just one day to live, I would without a doubt go see this play, because it would feel like a lifetime. I would like to dedicate this review to enotes.com, because without it I would not have understood any of it.

This is what I’ve gathered from looking at about ten different revision notes websites- The School for Scandal is a show where there is a man, Sir Peter, and his significantly younger wife is having an affair. But she’s not having an affair, he just thinks that she is. There is a group of people who want to convince him that this is true, because one of them, Joseph, is in love with a woman called Maria, who, in turn, is in love with Charles, Joseph’s brother, who is in love with Maria. So they want to put Charles and Sir Peter’s wife Lady Teazle together, because then Maria will love Joseph – probably. Now, while this is occurring, Sir Oliver is playing dress-up to find out which of his nephews (Joseph or Charles) is the nice one and should inherit his fortune. I think. Now, Charles is the bad one, but he is actually good, because he does not sell the painting of Sir Oliver to Sir Oliver in a hat pretending to be a buyer. I think. Gun to my head, I could not figure out which one was Joseph, and which one was Charles because they both seemed so incredibly distasteful.

It is to my understanding that there are some humorous moments in this play. Most of these laughs were from Peter whinging about his out-of-his-league wife who he actively chose to marry then just complains about. (And he has the nerve to accuse her of inappropriate behaviours – shocking, isn’t it.) Of course, this is not massively over-done, lazy comedy!  His actor, Joseph Marcell, does give a good performance, though. He is certainly an experienced thespian, and I would definitely listen to an audiobook narrated by him. There are also some funny gags, like Joseph (or Charles? Or Rowley? Seriously, I can’t distinguish them) holding up the napkin to stop Backbite’s spit, or when Joseph and Charles pick up Sir Oliver (not sure why).

Aside from the, let me emphasise with a rare chuckle – everything is quite underwhelming. The set is minimal, the lighting is minimal, the movement is nothing special- but, there is one saving factor. That is the costumes and hair. Sarah Beaton, thank you for these beautiful designs. I need the link to Maria’s dress, like, yesterday. Ditto for Lady Teazle’s green gown. Also, if I could get her hair stylist’s number… 

The only part I truly follow is when Lady Teazle is in Joseph’s house, and they are about to kiss (she really is having an affair, such scandal!) but get interrupted by Sir Peter. I understand this because I’ve just read a plot summary during the interval. Joseph is in love with Maria, so lord knows why he’s trying it with Lady Teazle, who I’m shocked to see is still in the play because it’s been a solid hour of her not being there. Charles comes over then Joseph is caught red-handed, which means Maria can get married to Charles! Unfortunately, I struggle to root for these lovers because I was under the impression she despised him. That is until Sir Oliver, a man whom she has never met, says he’s a nice bloke, and suddenly Maria is down for marriage. Joseph is, unsurprisingly, jealous, as I am of half of the audience who managed sneak out and go home before the second half. 

Overall, this play asks the question; “Why say one word, when you can say 500?” Quite like this review, where, in my opinion, I could have summarised the thing in a mere three words “Save Your Money”.